So much for keeping this blog up-to-date while I was on holiday, right? *Wink* I will fill you all up on my gorgeous adventure as soon as I catch back up with the Pagan Blog Project! At least I’m only one letter behind this time, LOL!
A few posts back, I talked about the power of “knowing” something with your heart and soul. I did recognise that I may not always be with my husband but that I would never leave Canada for as long as I lived. Caribou kept me tied here, and I thought that was a permanent thing.
I should have known better, really.
It’s a little hard to explain and I do not want to do so fully in this blog right now. But since my holiday, I felt my soul-full ties to Canada stretch and snap. This chapter of my life was ending, I realised with sadness. I was being pulled east, to Great Britain, and the pulling urge leaves me restless and unhappy just as it did for the years before I moved to Canada.
Part of me, the part that despises change (and it’s a BIG part!) dreaded that this might happen. I suppose I knew it would.
I’ve been trying hard for ten years to hold up my relationship with my husband on my own. I always thought I could change him, help him, somehow make him into the man he isn’t. It has caused so much stress, anxiety, and resentment for the past decade that it’s all been coming to a head in the last eight months. I’ve felt helpless, codependent, and like I wasn’t in control of my own life. The same way I felt just before setting a fire under my own ass and moving to Canada.
Here’s the cold hard truth. You control your life and your fate. No one else can do it for you. Abusive parents, guardians, spouses, etc. cannot do it to you, although they make you think they can.
You cannot change people. You cannot control their actions, get them to do something you want them to do, or control what they say or think. You cannot change a person, a relationship, or a marriage alone.
I finally have taken a deep breath, and with great sadness have come to the thing that I never wanted to face. That my marriage will never change when the other partner doesn’t want it to, and that I should have never jumped into it so quickly in the first place. I wanted to remain in Canada and had firmly attached myself to Trevor as part of my codependency problem, and despite all the terrible things he’s done to me in the last six years alone, I kept convincing myself that I could change him and make him into a better man.
So why is it supposedly marvelous to give up?
Because of all of these realisations, and knowing I’m the one in control. Only I can make myself happy, and anything that’s not working in my life has to be moved on from. That, my friends, is true personal freedom despite fear of the unknown.
And it feels pretty damn good.
Love and light,