Seeking Spirituality

Hello loves! Happy Tuesday, wherever you are in the world! Today I’m sharing my personal story on my life-long spiritual path, and what is currently working for me. I hope it inspires you, or even encourages you if you’re feeling tapped out spiritually.

Please be warned that there is mention of abuse in this post.

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Spirituality has always played a big part in my life. As a child and young teen, I was raised as a non-denominational Christian, despite being baptized Catholic as a baby. I was rarely inside a church, but I had a deep unwavering faith in God and Jesus.

In my late teens, I connected with a local Baptist church and started going to Wednesday evening Bible study as well as Sunday morning services. I almost always went with my biomom and a couple of my siblings. I met my first boyfriend there: he was the pastor’s eldest son.

To make a long story short, I suffered eleven months of abuse at the hands of this boyfriend. Emotional, verbal, physical, and sexual. My spirituality suffered, and I blamed myself for everything that was happening to me, but I steadfastly returned to church every Sunday.

Despite everything, I felt myself become closer to Christianity after that, taking great comfort in it when that horrible relationship finally ended and I began to heal. I became interested in a rather loose view of Catholicism,  so I added bits and pieces of that onto my personal path.

But eventually, I slowly began to drift further and further away from traditional Christian structure. Nothing felt quite right to me. The insides of churches felt cold and empty to me, completely devoid of life and wholeness. The Earth felt full of energy, from soil to water to sky, and that’s where I felt closer to God. I would sit outside for hours, feeling my depression and any physical pain drain into the ground and disappear. I gazed at the Virginia mountains and clouds and rolling fields and feel quiet worship, and at night I would sit on the front deck and pray under the endless stars instead of indoors.

I was very curious about other spiritualities and religions. I visited a Roanoke shop called Seeds of Light, which was Pagan and contained glorious things I was unfamiliar with. My heart skipped a beat in that shop, and I felt myself falling in love.

Through my biomom, Debbie, I grew very interested in Unity, a positive and philosophical take on Christianity that accepted everyone with love and respect and believed that ALL spiritual paths were good ones as long as they fulfilled the person who walked them. This really resonated with me, and I found that the Unity church we went to was full of energy, love, and light. I absolutely loved it and felt connected and complete every time I was there. Back in Canada, a friend introduced me to The Meeting House, which was another different and refreshing take on Christianity.

From there, I grew even more curious and began sidling toward more Pagan leanings because that’s what sang to me. I found as many books as I could find and devoured all the information; some I found on my own and others my biomom had me borrow. But I had been taught that if I rejected Christ, I’d go straight to hell with no possible hope of salvation. So I feared too much to turn away, even though it didn’t feel entirely right for me anymore.

But when my adopted mom, Donna, passed away in late 2012, I suddenly became angry and distant with my view of God and religion up until that point. Things started to rapidly change, uprooting and swirling around me so fast I didn’t know what to do or think.

What was the right path for me? Did any of them mean anything at all? Was it all pointless? Why were wars, hate, and bigotry waged in the name of religion?

I drifted for a long time, angry and wondering. I half-heartedly connected with Wicca, then I felt that there was just no point anymore. I began drifting away altogether and decided I was agnostic with no turning back.

And then, at 32 years old, I slowly began to reconnect. It was a cautious, fearful step back onto my path, which seemed as though it had been waiting for me to find it again and continue on.

I’m still not entirely sure what I am, because I am many things at once with no church and no one direct set of rules. I was gifted an opalite hamsa, which I wear for protection. I revere the earth and the cycling seasons. I celebrate the high Jewish holidays with my roommates and feel a sombre, deep peace and respect for what I’m observing. I feel truly empowered by what I continue to discover every day. My soul feels bright and I feel a powerful connection building, and I am happy.

The main thing on seeking spirituality is this: Don’t be afraid to try new things. If some aspect has interested you for years, even if it seems silly or trivial to some, don’t dismiss it, even if they are from multiple sources. Don’t ignore what sings to your soul, what makes you catch your breath in quiet joy, what makes you feel whole and wonderful and enriched.

If they do feel this way to you, then love the new home of your spiritual self.

If they don’t feel this way to you, then move on with the gratitude that they gave you the lesson of being spiritually aware of what you need.

And if you find yourself growing beyond this new home and it’s not working out for you, then see what else is around for you. There is much to be found!

 

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