This post for the Pagan Blog Project’s Week 7 (which actually happened in February, but I’m late to the party) is a dark one. It’s a word we hear almost every day, one that seems to have deeply permeated our society with its ugliness.
It’s something that I’ve been battling since at least puberty. It’s been a constant companion, a stalker who knows my every move and attacks and attacks until I’m worn into a helpless nub. It replaces my defensive armour with itself, suffocating me in an iron shell that pushes me into the ground from where I have no strength to get up. It brings me ever closer to its little friend, Death, who hovers over me with his dark desires.
When my adopted mom passed away in 2012, I fell down the rabbit hole of depression far harder than I ever had before. I fell so far I could no longer see light or hope. I was in my own personal hell. I was dying–maybe not physically, but mentally and emotionally, and I was in an almost constant state of considering suicide. I stopped blogging, I stopped doing anything creative, I cocooned and hibernated and felt I could no longer fight. I feared leaving the house because all I could think of doing was throwing myself into traffic. I couldn’t confide in anyone what was going on inside my head. Turning my feelings into writings wasn’t working, either. I would feel so tired and unhappy that I stopped doing that as well.
Where does my spirituality fit in with mental illness? Well, my friends, that seemed to come about once spring got here.
Now that our harsh Ontario winter has turned into a lush green summer and adventure is on my near horizon, I’m feeling alive again. Slowly, steadily. Sometimes I flee back to our dark womb-bedroom and cocoon again, blanking my mind out for hours and hours at a time. I’m easily overwhelmed and high-strung these days. But it’s Nature’s awakening that awakened the Pagan in my soul and drove away the darkness enough for me to get out of bed, get dressed, take care of myself, and embrace the light again. The love and light of my gorgeous spirit path, the path I have fully embraced with tearful eyes and an overflowing heart. It has healing qualities that even I’m not fully understanding yet, but good Lord, it’s beautiful.
The more I embrace it, the less depressed I remain.
Love and light,